A M.o.M.'s Wonderland

Nine months later part 2

noreply@blogger.com (..soo.see..) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 16:55:00 +0000

My monkeys are nine months today. Amazing!!! A quick update that they repeated a the sign for "all done" 2 days ago and 2 days before that E stepped over on top of A's butt to get up higher and A just let him! Lol when I get him off his brother, he proceeds to try and sit on A!!! Ah! These kids are crazy!
They aren't FULLY crawling yet, but they're close. They both get on all fours and rock and move their knee or foot forward but then plop back down. A goes backwards. E army crawls forward. They can pull up to stand too.
Man I can't even believe how much I love them!!

Nine months later...

noreply@blogger.com (..soo.see..) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 16:51:00 +0000

Some ramblings as an update

noreply@blogger.com (..soo.see..) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 16:32:00 +0000

So much to catch up on and I really never know where to start. I really have to get back into the habit of posting, but I just don't seem to have the discipline anymore. I haven't even read anyone's blog in equally as long b/c I just don't go on to even check in.. I can't even blame the boys b/c, in all honesty, I've gotten quite in the hang of our daily routine. So, b/c I DO want to post more I've decided (once again) to change up the blog. I'm considering either locking up all the TTC / IVF stuff - b/c hey, it's all been read already anyway, right? Or.. just directing whoever is left reading here, onto another one. I've thought of the latter b/c I think if I start to keep up w/ the blog, I can invite my family to come visit since most of them would want to see pics of the boys. Which brings me to.... the fact that I've found a new obsession, hence the lack of non-posting, hence the urge to post again! heehee, but really it's photography. We've started a photography blog, that is for 'business purposes', but I think I'd like to keep a side one for fun stuff and the random ramblings, I USE TO DO. So that's what I've been trying to sort out..

As an update..

The boys are doing wonderful! So delicious and beautiful and handsome and lovely! I seem to be having a lot of flashbacks of being pregnant with them a year ago. Cold weather arrives (for a day!?!) and I think of how I had ONE sweater for the entire pregnancy that I could 'just throw on'. I have some quiet time at home and I think of when I was on bedrest. Ah, nostalgia. Lol.. But seriously, I can't believe a year ago they were in my belly still growing and I was gulping down protein shakes and gallons of water a day in attempts to get them "big and strong".

Ay is on all fours and rocking! He started the day before we left for Vegas. He's taken "a step" or two that way FORWARD, but a bunch backward. Lol. He looks SOOOO determined to get it and get moving! One day we put him down asleep in the crib for the night. I stayed in the room rocking Em and a couple minutes later, I see Ay's head pop up and he was on all fours rocking! LMAO! I think he was doing it in his sleep b/c HunHun came in, got him to lay down w/ a paci and he went back to sleep!

Em is pulling up to stand. But only when he wants to. If he wants to get picked up or carried and he's crying, instead of trying to do it himself, he'll just sit there crying. :-/ So.. we're encouraging him to keep trying. He's also sat up on his own a couple times at MIL's and rocks like Ay when HE wants to. :P Lol.

AFU, we went to Vegas a couple weeks ago and it was AWESOME! Ok, that's all I'm saying b/c you know.. "What happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas". LMAO, Just kidding. We had a great time. One awesome "vegas night" of party and dancing and one of oldies trying to recover from the night before. We slept through our nap until the next day! Bwahahaha! I have pics to share, which will do from home this weekend.

I've also been tagged, something like 100 years ago, and I never replied, so I'll be attempting to do that today too.

MoMs club

noreply@blogger.com (..soo.see..) — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 14:07:00 +0000

I've decided I'm going to officially join the Parents of Multiples Club/group down here. I think it'll give me new ppl and friends to talk to even if just once a month at first. Sometimes I feel like HunHun has his car stuff and now photography (which I need to start picking up and learning my new cam!!) and I don't have much else outside of friends/family and the Twinkie bugs. So.. Even though this is still related to family and childlife, at least it's different from FF or BBC and my mom/sister. Something new and different and I think if I stick to it, the boys will be able to make friends!
So they're having a new members brunch tomorrow and I decided to go and get the info, meet and greet. HunHun said he'll go with!! So that'll help me with not HAVING to bring in the caddy stroller. Even though of course it'll help when they want to nap.
So, that'll be my adventure this weekend. Hoping for a good time! And future friendships!

7 months

noreply@blogger.com (..soo.see..) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 17:52:00 +0000

The boys are 7 months and 1 week old. It's kind of crazy that it's going by so fast. I seem to find a way of posting from my phone and then something changes and I can't post until now I think. I got an iPhone and can you believe that with the fancy shmancy things it has, posting to blogger was not one of them. :( but I found an app that will probably allow me to do so!! Woot woot! Yay!
So the boys are doing awesome!! Growing and learning new things all the time. They're so delicious! They say Mama, well E does mostly. They give kisses. E blows them and A gives open mouth slobbery ones. Lol and we got them baptized yesterday!! 0:)
uhm, I THINK we have a tooth. I saw a white dot I cldnt "clean" off E's gum but then it went away so we're thinking that his gums are swollen so that's why we don't see it as clearly today??? Lmao we're sooooo FTP's.
Ok, so I hope to do this more often instead of always saying I will and then don't.

Mommy Dearest

noreply@blogger.com (..soo.see..) — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 01:43:00 +0000

And it's not about me!

So some of you have wondered how things are going w/ MIL and well here's a quick post of what I've been dealing with. Of course, the twinkies are alive and kicking!! Yay - she hasn't done anything TOO horrible! Lol..

Well the latest thing that I've had to deal with is coming home and after about 2.5 hours of playing and then feeding the boys I walk in to my room only to hear simultaneously from HunHun that MIL has changed the sheets.. ::vinyl record screeches to a stop:: as I walk in and see our bed made and with sheets that are.not.ours!!

WTF does that?! I spoke to this woman twice before coming home and she never mentioned any of this! I KNOW I sound ungrateful or whatever, but seriously, how the F did she not even think to ask if we had washed the sheets the day before?! What if she would've changed clean sheets?? UGH! I was so upset for the rest of the night and a couple of days after that.

I think what got me the most was that they weren't MY sheets! Which just means to me that it was intentional and planned! She HAD to have come with them in her bag! Must have!

I saw her in the morning before leaving to work and spoke to her at from work when I was on lunch and she didn't once mention it to me that she was even thinking of doing this.

She must've known that it irked me b/c she never.even.asked. me what I thought or anything. And she ALWAYS asks about everything..

Anyway aside from that, she also told me one day (after finding out the boys weighed in about 18 to 19 lbs at a random 5 month dr appt) that she's surprised b/c we have them "so restricted with their diet". I couldn't stay quiet or just nod her off, I turned around and told her that they are given and eat what is appropriate for their age. period.

We're 4 months in to MIL daycare. And the adventures continue.

On a beautiful note: The twinkies are jumping in their jumparoo and love it, they're eating reall well and Emzo reached out to HunHun yesterday and pulled me by the jaw to give me "kisses". Oh! and today everytime Tuxedo (1 of the dogs) would pass by he'd reach for him and start to laugh. I can't believe their getting so big! They'll be 6 months old next week!

This is why I've been away

noreply@blogger.com (..soo.see..) — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 11:27:00 +0000

I've had a breakdown.

I don't think I'm fully out of it yet. And the key word is yet. But I do plan to and am trying to get things back "on track" and back to how I use to feel and be, but it's not as easy as I'd imagined it could be.

I don't want to air out my dirty laundry. After all, it'll just sit here on the interwebs for anyone to read about for as long as I don't delete my blog. But I can go into detail about how I felt, reacted, and how I'm trying to get out of this dark little cave I'm in.

I had 2 weeks, if not more, of physically not being able to pick myself up from the floor. One day I fell. Hard. Fast. I couldn't help it - even though I shouldn't even have gone there - and I lost my footing, couldn't balance myself enough and I landed SPLAT, BLING BLANG on the floor, face first. And I just stayed there crying, hyperventilating w/ my face down in the dirt wishing I wasn't there or that I would've coincidentally landed in some quicksand and would start to be pulled under.

But since that's not what REALLY happened, I HAD to get up and go on about life. Take care of the Twinkies and go to work and not stop going. I couldn't afford to. My bills would get worse, and my kids would obviously starve and be dirty little boys. I kept going b/c I knew in order to be "really" depressed or crazy is if your "condition" interferes w/ "normal daily activities" and I didn't want to fall into that category. Even though secretly inside I wanted to just BE that "category" and soak it all in and just let EVERYONE know, "hey!!! HEY!!! Guess motherfucking what?! I am depressed and feel crazy and am having a nervous breakdown! Do you get it now??"

But alas, I'm not that bold or "crazy" to do that. So it results in a bitchy, aggravated, anxy, sad, frustrated, angry little girl that keeps moving along, while trying to "deal with it". *shrugs* And that's where the "yet" comes in. I'm trying, I really am.

This weekend I had a breakthrough. I came out of the cave and saw the sunshine, yet I find there are moments where I'm concentrating on the clouds I see at a distance and can't figure it out if they're passing me or coming toward me. I'm fixated and I haven't fully moved on. To have rainbows, you've gotta have rain right? Well I had an effin deluge pass by and even though the sun is shining, those cloud remnants are lingering and playing w/ my head. I'm waiting on the rainbow - or is it around here somewhere, but my fixation on the clouds won't allow me to see it?

My HunHun has been going through it w/ me, even though he A) doesn't have a clue of how I really feel b/c he just can't understand it I think and B) can't find a way to get me better 100%.

If you're reading or if you've even managed to get this far in this ramble, know that I AM ok. I know that's the easy answer to give, but really I am. This weekend helped me millions and tons and I'm finding my way back to how I use to be.

And even though I know he doesn't read, I do want to thank you, my HunHun for being there for me when I went my craziest and for holding my hand through this even though you didn't (don't) fully get it. You are my sunshine...

...................

So I know I've said this like a bajillion times before, but I'm back for updates and blogging! I need an outlet and I'm missing out on documenting too much of what the boys are doing! My stupid Iphone doesn't let me post from there and it's even stupider for not having MMS yet! But I will find a way to get it done. I promise.

My apologies for the F-bombs. I think it's part of the new me. The one that should speak up and say exactly how I'm feeling so I don't implode, again.

I think I'm back!

noreply@blogger.com (..soo.see..) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 20:32:00 +0000

So I get to update from my text/email system on my phone! I'm excited
b/c when I get home, I hardly have time for myself to even have a decent
dinner, so this will work b/c i've tried to post from home, but never
make it. There's a lot going on w/ the boys and I want to get out all
that I'm feeling...

So maybe some bullets to catch everyone (even me) up?
* We've started PT w/ AJ. He's been to 2 sessions and it makes me wish
I could dedicate more time to him for this. W/ EJ, it makes it more
difficult to do b/c I have to tend to both. I just pray that MIL finds
this as important as we do and she doesn't slack during the day.

* speaking of MIL, she read my mail and we decided to keep the boys at
her place instead of her coming to our house. That only lasted a couple
of days b/c we bought a jumproo and got the haigh chairs out (no more
bouncer/swing as per PT orders.) And there's no way to take that to her
place on monday and lug back on friday. So we've kept our arrangement
of 1 week our house, 1 week her apt., for now, despite our anger at her
snooping.

* EJ could have a slight form of Torticollis too. I noticed it and so
did the PT. We're doing home stretching for him.

* the boys' diarrhea turned out to be Salmonella!!!! How on earth they
got this, I don't know. It was hand to mouth somehow, so it comes down
to someone not washing their hands, or not washing their things
thoroughly. :( EJ got on antibiotics for it.

*but now, they've developed a cold/congestion that has them not too
happy at moments.

* 4 month well-checkup was done and they're proving to be big boys! AJ
is a whopping 17 lbs, 25.75 in. And EJ isn't far behind at 16 lbs and
26.5 in.

* we got them a jumparoo and they seem to like it! They can reach the
floor, so they wiggle in it and play w/ the abacus looking thing. Which
reminds me...

* they rolled over! I saw it w/ both of them! I've been down abt the
fact that I might be missing some firsts since I miss so much of their
day, but I'm glad I got to see them. :) EJ is a lazy butt and just
leaned on his shoulder, torso turned but legs still face down, then
after a minute or so, he completed the roll! Aiden was a champ that day
and did it like 4 times!

I think that's it for now.. I can't remember much else, and if I do,
I'll add it, since now it's easy to do from my phone!

Test

noreply@blogger.com (..soo.see..) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 12:07:00 +0000

Just want to test if I can still blog from my MMS/Email... I can't seem
to click on certain buttons from my phone.

And I thought I was DONE w/ doctors!

noreply@blogger.com (..soo.see..) — Thu, 28 May 2009 01:50:00 +0000

After so many doctor visits w/ TTC, IVF and the pregnancy, I thought I was done!

Uhm.. yea, I must've forgotten about the 2 little men that have entered my life and will most definitely be getting sick at some point (or several points). Such is the case, this past week.

I decided, after hearing some nagging that the boys are still hungry after their bottle, to give cereal to them. I put half a babyspoon in each bottle and called it a day. There! That'll work until we introduce solids!! Nope! They got diarrhea. BAD diarrhea. So we stopped the cereal immediately, except the diarrhea didn't stop eemee-dee-it-lee! Grr.. Poor little yOyo was getting really bad dirty dipes and hOops wasn't far behind. But I figured it'd go away after a couple of days. The cereal had just irritated their stomachs. MIL calls HunHun and tells him that yOyo has had 3 dirty dipes before noon, so off they go to the pedi's office. The pedi thought it might've been the cereal too, or some virus that 'must' be going around b/c there are other kids w/ diarrhea coming in too. I pay no mind to the virus comment b/c we had no other symptoms..

Until Sunday (almost a week later).

My little hOops wakes up w/ a fever. :( The pedi's office says to give him tylenol and we made an appointment for later that afternoon. 2 hours later, the fever is still there and higher, so off I go to the pedi's before my appointment. Luckily, they take me in before they left to lunch and hOops gets poked for a CBC. :( WBC comes back good, no infection. It's a virus. Keep him hydrated and it should pass in a couple of days. Fast forward to 1am, hOops is BURNING UP despite the day long doses of tylenol and still has bad poop. Off went HunHun while I stayed w/ yOyo. My baby of babies had another b/w done and a cath! :( No infection found again, it's just a stomach virus that is highly contagious. Keep the other twin separate, no sharing of anything! They come back about 6am and yOyo wakes up at 730a.. for the day.

hOops' fever FINALLY broke on Tuesday morning. It was lower on Monday, but he was still warm. However, there are still bad poops about! From both the boys. They have a good one, and then a bad one comes during the day.

2 weeks ago, after a suspicion I had, we went the Orthopedist for yOyo's tilt and he was diagnosed w/ Torticollis. It basically just means that his muscle from his clavicle to his jaw didn't stretch in utero b/c of the crammed quarters, so his head tilts to a preferred side (his right). He can turn his head both ways, but I suspected he couldn't turn it FULL range both ways. My little yOyo had x-rays done and had his head turned and moved while he cried bloody murder. I felt so bad, but knew he had to be checked. :( Well, turns out he needs PT. Today was the first appointment and after assessment decided that he'll need to go to PT 2x/week for 12 weeks. :( PLUS home exercises at every diaper change. HunHun taught me the exercises before we bathed him and it broke my heart that he cried as I stretched him.

We have another appointment to make w/ a cranio doctor. Due to the Tort, they want him (and I'm taking hOops too) to be checked for Plagiocephaly, which is the fusing of the skull bones too soon, and causing a flathead due to early fusing as well as their facial bones to deform. If they suspect that this is happening, then they'll need to be fitted for helmets. :( *sigh*

I know it's necessary if diagnosed, so I get it, but still, it's hard. I can break down about diagnoses and doctor appointments, but at the moment I'm there and paying attention and understand that it's for the best. That's how I was when I was going through my IF stuff. Every doctor visit was hard, but I cried afterward. At the visits, I was alert and paying attention so I didn't miss anything. That's how I feel now. That I can't sit here and cry or let it get to me. I have to on my feet and ready to do what I have to do for my boys.

Anyway, that's the update for now. I'll try and keep it up to date. I went back and read what was happening a year ago, since I was starting my IVF and I realized I was happy that I blogged about it. So it made me think that I totally gotta do it w/ the boys and how we're making it w/ them. A year from now, I'll read and be happy i blogged about it too. And so on.

a weekend of firsts

noreply@blogger.com (..soo.see..) — Thu, 14 May 2009 02:35:00 +0000

this weekend was a great one! definitely the best one i've had in a long time.

i had been wanting to take the boys to the beach, since the weather has been so nice and i decided to take them this weekend. then HunHun told me he needed to do car stuff, so i decided to just stay home and head to the kid's art museum later in the day when he was done. my sister ends up finding out and tells me she'll come w/ me to the beach! woohoo!! i hadn't wanted to go alone, b/c it would've been my FIRST time there with the twins and i didn't want to risk some kind of havoc happening involving sand, babies, formula, water, etc. so we decided to meet up first thing after the boys had their breakfast so we can beat the midday sun.

that morning, HunHun's plans get postponed and he decides to come along! yay!!! our FIRST family outting to the beach! before leaving, we take the FIRST pictures of my boys w/ my sister's 2 daughters all in one shot. of course, it was a freakin' mission b/c to get 2 pre-teen girls to look "perfect" and 2 NB's to look at the camera is not by any means as easy as i'm typing this! but we got the shot! after changing the boys into their bathing suits, we head out.

we arrive to the beach and were able to enjoy an entire hour at the beach. haha. that's it! that's all it lasted! we had taken so long w/ the pics that it ate into our beach time. the boys absolutely loved it, i think! they just chilled and enjoyed the breeze. we put them in their bumbos for a little bit, b/c that's all their little bobble heads can withstand. and then we took them to the shore to feel the wet sand and get their feet wet for the FIRST time. it was so cool to do that! i had seen pictures and even pictured it in my mind, but to actually have 'my' babies there w/ me, was amazing. we left after the hour of being there b/c the boys were due to eat and we didn't want to be stuck at the beach or car.

we came home and gave the boys their lunch, cleaned them up and changed them and headed back out! i know.. crazy and probably a lot for little babies, but there we went...

we arrive to the kid's art museum and decide to wear the boys since i wasn't sure if a double stroller would be able to manuever well inside, since it was our FIRST time there. there was a dr. seuss exhibit i wanted to take them to, moreso for a photo op b/c i know at this age they don't know that it's dr. seuss. i've known of this exhibit since i was pregnant, and waited until the last week of it being shown so the boys could be old enough to give good pics. hee hee. anyway, we wear the boys facing us, and when we got there, i told HunHun to turn Em.zo around so that he can 'see' the colors and lights. as soon as we did, it was as if we were seeing the museum through his eyes! A.dey was asleep, so i left him resting on my chest but it was so beautiful to me, to see Em.zo taking in all he could. i loved it. the exhibit was pretty cool and mid way, A.dey woke up!! so i turned him face-forward and automatically he was totally taken in by the colors too. we stopped by a water colors sections and the boys wrote their names for the FIRST time, with mommy and daddy's help of course.

after the museum, HunHun and i needed our own lunch, so went to a mexican little place HunHun found. it was our FIRST time there and we loved it!! totally going back!

when we got home, i thought it was funny that the 4 of us took a nap, at the same time, for the FIRST time, in three months. i slept w/ Em.zo on my chest, A.dey slept in his bouncer and HunHun slept on the couch. I even took a pic, b/c i couldn't believe we all just knocked out like that.

sunday was my FIRST mother's day with the boys. it was spent as usual, w/ my mom, sis and MIL. and really nothing special was done that day. HunHun got me a dress that was too big and he redeemed himself (his word, not mine) today by getting me a new handbag! woot woot!! and even though the day itself wasn't blown up, i couldn't have asked for a better MoM's day weekend w/ my family... HunHun, Em.zo & A.dey.

it was perfect. beautiful. and exactly what i hoped and wished for every other mother's day before when i was childless. i only hope, that the future ones are equally as awesome as my FIRST.

me, the expert?

noreply@blogger.com (..soo.see..) — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 11:57:00 +0000

I went to my first local MoMs club meeting on thursday. It was so nice!! I had discovered them when I was abt 5 months pregnant and never made it to a meeting b/c of the bedrest. I went to their fall garage sale (and got a bangin' deal on a PNP for $20!) in october and by the 2nd week of november I was at home on bedrest.

Well, they were suppose to have a guest speaker about going green, which I was interested in, but they never showed up. So they left the floor open for introductions and questions!! AND they had split up the tables by LO's age, so that was nice too, which was easy to start up conversations w/ others. I got so lucky for my meeting!

My table was the "0 to 9 months" and I was the only one not pregnant, so the 3 chickies were ALL ABOUT asking questions and comparing the things they were looking up to what I'm doing.

:)

It felt soooo weird! I was just blogging abt how I felt like the outsider or that I wasn't going to "fit in" when I saw the MoMs at the spring garage sale, and here I was giving the newbies, like me, advise and tips! Hee hee! They were so cute, looking and listening to me w/ bright eyes and smiles, like I was all-knowing - yet w/ "only" 2.5 months of experience.

I think I'm going to join the club. It really did make me feel like I'd have support when it came to new mommyhood AND the multiples aspect. So, I'm glad I went and plan to be able to again.

sleep regression

noreply@blogger.com (..soo.see..) — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 18:56:00 +0000

The boys were sleeping beautifully until.... last week. Coinsidence? I think NOT!

Pfft!

I mean it could be a number of things, but I have a feeling it has to do w/ MIL. I hate to make the posts abt MIL-bashing (that's why I write a positive thing at the end) but I guess that's what I'm dealing with right now..... MIL!

hOops started the trend. And it doesn't surprise me b/c yOyo is a bigger "pet bolly". (After giving birth my brain was so fried I interchanged letters/words all the time and one day I meant to say "pot belly piggy" and I said "pet bolly" instead and we laughed so hard, the nickname stuck, hee hee) well, after 2 nights of hOops SLEEPING 7 hours (8 hr between feedings) yOyo followed suit and HunHun and I were getting a good chunk of sleep each!

They weren't waking up at the same time, but only waking up once was great for us! We were making progress!!

Well, last week that all changed. They BOTH went back to 4 hour blocks in between eating, so that's really less than 4 hours of sleep! Grrrrr!!!

Here are my theories: MIL has them overstimulated, the sips of water in between feedings, eating and napping schedule is off, or a growth spurt. Oh yea, and missing mommy?? Lol

But seriously, something threw them off. And after MIL asked this morning how the boys spent the night, we tell her and she says... "yea, but that was MONTHS ago that they slept that long!!" As if we were making this up! And HunHun and I both stopped her and told her it was up until last week. She stopped and paused. Then told me "I" HAVE to adjust my feeding schedule and amount of formula I give them at night - to INCREASE the amounts! Uhm, yea... really? Increase the amount of milk on the feedings we're trying to eventually have eliminated?! HunHun interrupted and told her, they were sleeping the 7 hours on 5 oz versus the 6 oz we started them up on during the day (to cut back on MON ounces).

Grrr! That's the sort of stuff I mean. We tell her what's going on, w/o really saying she's at fault and she turns to tell me how to do it her way!

So, after a discussion w/ HunHun on the way to work, we decided to keep monitoring what MIL writes on the chart and give it until next week, since we're mid week already. Maybe it IS a growth spurt after all.... and hopefully when they adjust to MIL and get over this regression we'll all be back to sleeping longer stretches!

why are you over-reacting?

noreply@blogger.com (..soo.see..) — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 18:37:00 +0000

That's what HunHun said to me last night. I usually don't post abt what happens w/ me and HunHun b/c I know it passes and the ugly post will be here forever, so I tend to try and let it pass and move on. But this time, I'm upset and I know some of you will understand.

Well, as most of you know, I returned to work last week. And to touch on that, yes it was hard to leave and be away all day. Going home is the best part of the day and that time and ride home can't happen fast enough. You just want to get home and see what you've missed all day..

Anyway, I think I mentiond that MIL is watching the boys. And I've had my insecurities and concerns w/ this for a while now. For a reason or another that pops in my head, I get uneasy abt leaving them w/ her. It was never about not trusting her, but mostly the fact that it's 2 newborns plus my neice which is only abt 1.5 months older than the boys.. That's a lot of work!

Well, the first day I was so concerned abt how the boys wld behave, I cld hardly think of anything else (like the drama at my job w/ my LOA). But when I got home, I saw everyone was cool and collected, no stressed faces or tension in the air. So that made it easier to leave the next day and the following.

Until..... she confessed something to me.

I won't go in to detail here, but it made me feel I couldn't trust her w/ EVERYTHING. So you have an idea, its abt her thinking she knows best and taking the reigns in to her own hands. I knew she has the kind of strong character to try and dictate how things will go, while making it seem it's your idea and that she's not imposing. So, I knew early on, I'd have to be adamant and strong w/ her abt what I want.

Well, I told HunHun what I learned and he listened and told me not to worry, that she wouldn't do something of the sort w/ us and the boys. But it wasn't enough to calm my nerves. I spent the whole day going over and over her confession. She said it so non-chalant! It didn't bother her at all!

The weekend came and I spoke to HunHun abt how I want her to follow our lead not the other way around. I don't want her getting it twisted, that b/c she spends more dayhours w/ the boys, that she'll be telling ME how to do things, instead of her following what we want for them. And get it across w/o her shutting me up mid-sentence to tell me she was a mother before a grandma...

There were a couple of things we needed to touch on:
- no daytime swaddling
- no boppies to sleep on
- tummy time at some point
- stay stay stay on feeding schedule

We mentioned these and she said ok.. She's even writing it all down for me to see when I get home. Last night, I go into the bathroom and see the "bedtime / calming" purple baby wash. So I say "omg! She's using this in the day??" and HunHun cuts me off to say that he took it out, but that she hadn't used it and that why was I over-reacting?!

Does he not get it? Did he forget what she told me last week? Nope! He's just not worried abt it. I explain to him, I'm not over reacting, I'm just saying out loud what I think when I see the night time soap outside. He accussed me of not trusting her at all, which I'll admit sometimes does feel that way. But really what it comes down to is the fact that I'm not home anymore. I feel I'm not running things anymore b/c she cuts me off when I try to explain things. Or rather, use to, b/c I wasn't having it this morning. I had a way of doing things and she came in and decided her way was best. Yes, she's said it to me just like that. "Oh, this is better, so I'm going to and start buying, doing, etc..." I had to stop her on friday! She almost up and changed the whole bottle system w/o even asking! Wtf??!

I think the confusion lies in the fact that she's not only the nanny/daycare worker but the grandmother so she seems to think she's got more of a say. And you know what, I gladly welcome any suggestions or tricks you find work in calming/soothing or entertaining and napping, but don't come tell me how to do things or that your way is better. It doesn't work that way. At least not to my face!

So... I'm trying not to let the little things get to me b/c I'll be stressing all day long, everyday thinking of what is happening out of my control. As for the trust issue, I'm working on that, while double-checking her tracks when I get home. It sucks ass I have to do it, but I'm not going to let her think she pull one over me w/ my own kids, in my own home.

And to give her a little bit of a positive note... she seems to handling it well. She hasn't broken down to us yet, she's got patience for this, it seems.

it's getting easier, I guess

noreply@blogger.com (..soo.see..) — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 12:48:00 +0000

Getting up for the morning after feeding a baby only 1.5 or 2 hours earlier is tough, man. Thankfully the boys are letting us sleep from abt 10 to 4am, so we rest nicely, but from 4 to 6 we only get an hour to 1.5 hour nap, so waking up from THAT is harder than waking up at 4.

I get up and get dressed, fix myself and then wash overnight nipples to prep the day bottles w/ measured water and leave the measured formula in the a.vent formula cup. Bring the diaper caddy to the living room and re-up on diapers, wipes, a&d, etc.. Make sure there are blankets for kids and the couch available. Burp cloths/bibs in the caddy. Pick out clothes, so she doesn't have to spend time doing that.

The last 3 mornings have gone well. HunHun helps w/ the bottles and caddy sometimes, and he takes care of letting out/ bringing in the dogs.

Leaving is easy, for the most part, b/c they're usually asleep, so I whisper good-byes and hardly touch them so I don't wake them. Being away is the hard part. Not calling is hard too.

I only call once a day. It's for a couple of reasons. First, I know, personally, it's a PITN to have someone call and "check in" everyday. It gets repetitive when it's for the same reason and it feels like they're checking in on YOU instead of the babies. Also, I know the day gets busy at times, so having the phone ring several times a day is frustrating b/c sometimes you can't get to it. And lastly, MIL was having issues we didn't trust her for some reason, so I don't want her feeling that by my calling, b/c I don't want it to affect the care of the boys.

But, what makes it easier everyday, is when I see the boys when I get home. They are happy and "clean" and not looking like they've had a stressing day. The look on MIL's face is reassuring too. SHE doesn't look stressed either, in fact she looks incredibly happy and in good spirits, so I know she's had a good day, which means the kids did too.

Yesterday I got home and hugged and told the boys how much I missed them. BUT, tuesday afternoon, I cried bad. I think I spent most of the evening crying. The boys were cranky and started crying. MIL had told me they hadn't cried all day, b/c she was making sure they stayed happy and content. HunHun confirmed this b/c he was home early (even took a nap!). So when they started crying with me, I broke down. How was it I spent 2 months w/ them and still didn't "get it" but MIL had them for a day and they were 'little angels'? I felt like they were happier w/ her than me. After carrying them and talking to them for a bit, I realized they were just tired and ready for bedtime. And they MUST'VE missed me b/c they wanted me to carry them and be close to them. So instead of feeling rejected/replaced I felt loved and missed. :) don't know how much a 2 month old can miss their mom but that's what I'm now chalking up their cranky/want mommy evening attitude to. Haha.

All in all, it is getting easier. The leaving, being away and trusting we'll all be ok is working out. And I'm glad about it. :)

hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work i go

noreply@blogger.com (..soo.see..) — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 01:16:00 +0000

i go back to work tomorrow.

after (almost to the day) 4 months of being home to take care of hOops and yOyo, i'm leaving them behind to rejoin civilization and other adults for 8 hours a day.

even though the boys are only 2 months (yesterday!!), i've been home for double that due to the bedrest, remember? yea, i had to throw that out there, b/c i'm such a horrible blogger w/in the last year or so thati figure ya'll might have forgotten what i've even posted. 2 months of bedrest, is still considered taking care of the boys. just a different kind of care. everyone that asks, is surprised when i tell them i return now, at 2 months post partum. and when i remind them of the bedrest, they say, "oh right.." and trail off, as if that didn't really count. as if i just sat on my ass all day for 2 months, watching tv and laying down. pfft!! well, uhm, THAT is what i did, but i was careful to keep the babies safe. ;) everytime i think of the bedrest days, now that the boys are here, i realize how important it was that i was home and able to keep them in until i did.

anyway, i've been home for way too long. i miss being out there and having a "routine". that part i'm excited and happy about. but of course, along w/ that comes my sad heart that i'm leaving the boys behind. that i won't be with them. that i won't be able to look back from the kitchen and see that they're okay in their bouncers. that i won't be able to just look at them while they swing or nap and be thankful to have them in my life. that i won't be able get up nice and slow w/ them to start our day. that i won't have anymore "photoshoots" when they're awake, changed and in a good mood. that i won't be there, period.

i've teared up a couple of times, as i type this included, but i cried when i kissed them before giving them their bottle before putting them down to sleep for the night. i wanted to kiss them good before they got all sleepy. i know i'll feed them again tonight and see them in the morning before i go, but really when they're half-asleep, i don't want to wake them up.

i thought i was ready to leave them, b/c i'm so ready to return to work. but in the last couple of days, i've learned, one doesn't equal the other.

i'm going to miss them.

a real MoMs club

noreply@blogger.com (..soo.see..) — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 01:43:00 +0000

we have a parents of multiples group here in south florida that i found while i was pregnant. i wanted to go to the meetings, but never made it b/c i went on bedrest so early. i went to their fall garage sale and that's where i got a PNP for $20!! so, when i heard they were having a spring sale, i made sure to go. i was looking for bump.o seats, car bases for the infant carriers and another PNP for my mom. i ended up leaving w/ the baby front/back carriers. one for me and one for HunHun. they were $10 each!

anyway... this is what i really wanted to blog about - even though i contemplated if i should b/c i feel like all i'm posting about is how self-conscience i am about this and that..

we were able to go on friday night for a "preview". we arrived and there were signs on the gate outside:

vendors
members
prospective members
guests

well, i knew i didn't go under vendor or guest and b/c i hadn't been to a meeting and missed the "new members tea party" the month before i parked myself as a prospective member. HunHun asked me if we were in the right section and i shrugged. what was the difference??

i saw a member pass by (i knew she was a member b/c she had a name tag and i secretly wanted one too) and walked over to give them the cookies i had taken as a donation for them to use at the bake sale the next day. she saw me come from the prospective members line and she asked me, "oh when are you due?" -- what? seriously? i automatically put my hand on my belly and told her i had just had the boys, almost 2 months ago. but, did i still look pregnant or was it b/c of the line i was in? i figure that's what "prospective" means.. prospective = pregnant.

as we waited for them to allow us in, the 'members' started lining up as they finished prepping the garage sale sections. i started to watch and observe and wondered how i'd do when i started going to the meetings. then... i felt out of place. like i wouldn't fit in somehow. it really was only b/c some lady took out some neat little zipper bag out of her purse and said something about for her kids and 'on the go'. the other MoM looked so excited and asked where she got it and then another MoM joined and they were all in awe over this little bag. they didn't even open it, so i wasn't sure what it had in it. but then, i started to try and look and listen at what they were talking about and i wasn't sure if i'd really be able to keep up w/ them if i were right there w/ them. honestly, i think it just comes from the fact that i've been home-bound since november and haven't really had much adult, and even less MoM, interaction in so long! i talk about the boys and how things are coming along, but mostly it's to people who don't have multiples, so they're listening to me and i'm sort of "teaching" them how i'm mothering multiples. but... if i would be talking to these MoMs, i'd be on a level playing field. they'd know if knew my shit or if i was just making it up or if i didn't know anything about anything and am a total newbie. i guess that's what had me intimidated. and it made me think of how i wanted to be "in the mommy club" so bad, and here i am. i'm in the mommy club, yet, i felt i wouldn't fit in.

however, i am excited about going to the first meeting and getting to know these ladies. if there is anything i've come to realize i need, is other MoMs to interact with and "compare notes" with. oh! and btw, i AM a member IRL. when they started to let everyone in, they checked the list and i was on it, as a member. so, as if the boys didn't make it official enough, it was in black and white, on a list, that was checked off - me, a member of this Moms of Multiples Club.

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard...

noreply@blogger.com (..soo.see..) — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 17:30:00 +0000

La-la, la-la, la...

for a while when I was TTC, i had a blinkie that said, "i want morning sickness" and it had a little green smiley getting sick and projectile vomitting (sp?). i thought it was so cute and it got the point across that (some) pregnant women get morning sickness and i wanted to be pregnant, so therefore, would accept morning sickness merrily.

well, i never got it when i was pg. i got a bit of nausea and mostly if i didn't eat b/fast or have a snack, but it wasn't terrible. in fact, i dodged a lot of those "miserable" pregnancy-induced-symptom-bullets. until the end, when i got heartburn, for like.. 2 days, and started to see stretchmarks appear. i always thought of them as 'war wounds' or a reminder of what my body went through to carry by babies. but in the back of my mind, i kept wondering what my body would would like after the pregnancy.

i'm "only" 7 weeks post-partum. i know i wouldn't be back into my skinny jeans or clothes at this point, but it does make me feel self-conscience that i'm not "the same". throughout the pregnancy and even at the end, everyone, even i would say how i was "all belly". and now i see that wasn't true. i feel my hips are a bit wider and i got a teeny bit more of a butt (yay!) and my boobs are different / maybe a bit fuller? i don't know exactly. but now that most of my belly and swelling has gone down, i see that my pants struggle to go up my upper thighs/hips and i think THAT's the reason why i can't button them w/o being uncomfortable. i can button up some pants, but after a while i feel like i ate too much and need to unbutton my pants. AND i have a muffin top. if i wear my control top panties (eww.. but it soo works!) then my muffin top is up at the top under my boobs. :???: it's from all the loose skin i have. twin skin, that's what it's called on the boards. i lost 30 lbs almost right away and only am 10 lbs away from pre-pg weight..

i'm totally ok w/ my body changing with and after the pregnancy, but i guess b/c i haven't been to the gym or done anything active to try and firm up what's there, i feel out of sorts. i even showed my scar to my girlfriends this weekend and they were all impressed w/ how low it is. "oh you can still wear bikinis!" they said. uhm.. yea. not this year, i think. don't get me wrong.. if you don't know me yet, i'm the kind of girl that will strut in my bikini anyway, b/c i know my body looks like this b/c of the pregnancy and it's normal for it to look like this.. but i guess i'm just not use to it. or maybe not fully prepared for it. my strethmarks are pink now, and my belly button is all loose still and my linea negra is still there.

i know little by little, and i've read, up to a year, it'll start to go away. but until then... i've got my NEW jeans to wear! even HunHun said how great they look on me. and as for bikinis.... i guess i'll have to decide that when i get there..

something i thought of today..

noreply@blogger.com (..soo.see..) — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 01:00:00 +0000

i think i might be able to start a blog and keep it open of things i'd LOVE to say to people but don't do so b/c i'm polite like that..

two examples..

#1
i've just about got the hang of manuevering the long double stroller of mine. and when i'm alone and the doors aren't automatic, i line up the stroller to the door, walk to the front of the stroller, open the door, hold it w/ my foot, grab the stroller from the infant carrier handle and pull it toward me, keep pulling/pushing it along me into the store until the handlebar reaches me, i grab the handlebar, let go of the door (remember my foot / leg extended?) and go back to pushing the stroller.

well, i was at oldnavy just the other day and as i was attempting the above steps, it didn't go as smooth. the back wheels, by the handlebar, bumped up against the door frame, so i had to keep the door open w/ my foot / leg extension and push / pull the stroller from the carrier holder to try and get it aligned. meanwhile, i have these people passing by and saying, "omg! twins! how cute!!" uhm, hello?!?! nevermind the "cute twin" mommy struggling to get the "cute twin" stroller into the door!!!!

#2
i was returning some items at BRU and the customer service lady recognized me (and the twins) from the numerous times i've been there. and she starts, "oh wow! look at them, they're so cute!! that's always been my dream! i told you that last time right?" i reply w/ "yea you did.. and thanks!" but i really wanted to tell her.. "lady! at least you're having dreams! we hardly have time to dream when we're up every night at 2am feeding these babies!"

yes... i know... it's mean thoughts and while it probably sounds like i'm unappreciative of my babies, it's not the case.. it's just real. real thoughts i've had and that i'm sure other multiples parents have had at some point. we can't be the only ones!

i'll give you time to get your popcorn...

noreply@blogger.com (..soo.see..) — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 00:46:00 +0000

..........

these are the words i think a lot of people were waiting for.

i. am. effin. exhausted. and. i. don't. know. what. else. i. can. do.

ever since the twins were born and even at times before i gave birth, people have been on me about how i'm holding up and inquiring about how the boys are doing and "treating" me. well, guess motherf**king what?? i'm tired. they're tired. they cry all the time. i cry sometimes. they fuss, but i can't fuss, i just gotta keep going.

the boys have been really fussy and cry-ee lately. and by lately, i mean for a couple of weeks now. it started to get worse about a week ago. i try so hard and so many things to try and get them calm and not be so upset, and sometimes it works, but for the most part it's just a repetitive cycle for hours. i feed them and then we do it again.

they just don't seem happy. except for when they're eating and burping and getting a diaper changed. then they're happy for a bit before all hell breaks loose! and in recent days they do it in unison. together. like brothers. like "twins". okay, i'm being sarcastic. it's just those are the dumb little comments i get and why i know people are just waiting for me to explode and have an attack.

i'm not taking this very well. and it's mostly b/c i feel i should be able to take care of them and make them happy and eventually figure out what is going on w/ them. i know it's not perfect science or math where there is an absolute solution to a baby's cry, but after 6 weeks (today!!) i feel like i should be able to read them better.

i do notice that when i see HunHun trying (and God bless his heart, he really does try so hard) and it's not working, i suggest something and it usually works. or in the middle of the night, i'll take the fussy baby and usually can calm him down and put him sleep. so i know that i know SOMETHING, but during the day i'm at a loss.

ok.. sorry, but i couldn't hold it in anymore. and i'm certainly not going to show it to those that ask me in my face. to those that are just waiting for me to show i can't handle it... b/c at the end of the day, that's what they'll remember - the day i broke down and that i can't handle it..

i wish i could just make them happy and then they'd have a happy-not-so-tired-zombie mommy.

hello, goodbye

noreply@blogger.com (..soo.see..) — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 16:38:00 +0000

The target commercial kept playing in my head yesterday, but mostly b/c of the song not the advertisement. And I think I learned the beatles sing that song, right?

We'll start w/ the "hello" part. On friday night I went over to the Stirrup Queens blog to read about the weekly blog roundup. I skimmed it b/c my time was limited. But I saw the last blog had the name "duck" in it and my eyes widened! Could it be? My old buddy from "speculum stories"? I clicked over and the header pic gave her away and I knew I had found her! I hadn't heard or read from her in months! I think just as long as my pregnancy. I would constantly check to see if the blog was back up but had no luck each time. Now, I saw Duck had started a new blog, which mad me happy to be able to share w/ her again, but also b/c of the good news!! Her suro was pregnant w/ her baby!! Yay!! I left a comment and she replied and I'm glad. I was and still am pulling for her and her baby. And so, hello to Duck (again).

And now, the goodbye. One of my bestfriends is leaving back "home". I met her in 2004 and we've been quick friends since then. We met online and while we have been great at being email buddies (sometimes like 20 a day! And still get work done), we had a blast when we'd hangout. We even lived in the same apt complex w/ literally only the parking lot in between our apts. We weren't the kind to talk everyday on the phone and maybe it was b/c of the emails, but it was ok. In these 5 years we've seen each other through a lot of crap, including IF. Each month we'd pull for each other and share what we did 'different' or new technique we'd read about. We also shared our first home puchases, hubby stuff, family drama, my wedding and the birth of our first (and my second) children. And she's never fully been happy in southflorida. She got a transfer to move back to NJ and she took it. She leaves today, for good. I'm going to miss her being down here. I'm going to miss our karaoke nights too. No one else I know, does karaoke like us. So, goodbye Nic, I'll miss you girl, but thankgoodness for nationwide minutes on our cell phones!

misuse of terms

noreply@blogger.com (..soo.see..) — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 21:09:00 +0000

so, i (as well as many other IF'ers) have this pet peeve about misusing ART terms, but in specific the word "implant/ing". it's been used interchangeably and sometimes seems exclusively, with the term "transfer/ing". so it's super annoying to me when i hear it in the media and when doctors themselves use "implanting" when they refer and are talking about "transferring" embryos. if doctors could implant embryos, every single IVF would result in a guaranteed pregnancy. unfortunately, for us that need ART and IVF, it doesn't guarantee a pregnancy. anyway, i think that if we're going to be talking about ART and IVF and have it be out in the media and have "professionals" explain it or comment it, then let's get it right people! educate as you "glamourize" it.

embryos are transferred, not implanted.

so.. even though this has irked me for a long time (i even interrupted and corrected my BFF in the middle of a conversation) i didn't write about it b/c i'd forget or something else would come up. well, today i was in a waiting room and the news was on. i was in and out watching waiting to hear my last name from the radiologist people.. well, they were talking about president obama's signing on the stem cell research and former president clinton was being interviewed. i WISH i would've caught more of the interview, and i should look it up, but all i heard was something to the effect of 'stem cell research would not happen if we could PROVE that these EMBRYOS could be FERTILIZED and become HUMAN BEINGS'.

uhm, hello?!? embryos are just that! it's an egg fertilized by a sperm and divided into multicells. so, an embryo can't be fertilized b/c it's already been fertilized. and well, by MY beliefs, an embryo is already the beginnings of a person. to me it equates a baby that has a chance at life. but that's just me. in science eyes, we don't know if these embryos can become human beings until they implant and result in pregnancy and birth of a 'human being'. that's where the argument comes in. when do you consider life to begin? as i said, i think it's at conception / fertilization. for others, it's when pregnancy reaches a certain week of gestation. but to me, what clinton said didn't make sense to me, b/c i consider them alive already and also, if i didn't, the question would come back to "when do you consider them to become human beings and how would they get to that? and at that point, is stem cell research still an option?"

do i make sense? maybe just to myself. haha.

my lightbulb moment

noreply@blogger.com (..soo.see..) — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 12:59:00 +0000

[[children mentioned]]

so i put a disclaimer up above and while it may be the first and last time i do it, i decided to put it for those that don't want to read about this. however, now i that i think about, i'm going to have to double post an abridged version b/c what i have to say matters to this blog's future, so if someone doesn't read this post then, it'll still affect the reading of future posts.. first time i put it b/c of the "transition" i'm trying to make to this blog - and the last time b/c i think i've come to a decision of how i'm going to continue. but before i get to that.....

i had an a-ha! moment yesterday. i wanted to automatically come here and post about it, but didn't b/c i wasn't sure how to go about it since i was still trying to decide if i would keep this blog for IF w/ limited kiddie talk or if i'd be changing it up to be a mommyblogger. and here's how it went down and how that one moment helped me make my decision...

i was feeding one sea monkey when his brother woke up and was ready to eat. i had his bottle ready b/c i knew he might wake up, just as he did. so i got up from the couch, sat on the ottoman - yOyo in my left arm w/ the same hand holding his bottle & hOops in the bouncer while i held his bottle w/ my right hand. i was trying to listen to "the secret life of bees" that was playing behind me now, b/c when i positioned myself i ended up w/ my back to the tv - but wasn't really paying much attention as i was watching the boys. i had started to think how great it was, that i was taking care of both of them, and the 3 of us were ok. when suddendly, hOops made a sound and then yOyo made the same one! hOops did another and yOyo answered by echoing him. i was amazed and smiled at the fact that these little boys are growing and that they have a bond already.

that's when it hit me.

i CAN do this. i CAN take care of multiples, alone. i CAN watch over them and they'll both be ok - and so will i, for that matter. i AM a mom. i AM their mom. and even though it seems hard at times and i cry right along w/ them as i try to soothe them, i know that we'll get through this and we'll all be happy making it though.

it's taken me over a month to FULLY accept and understand and KNOW that i can take care and mother the twins. once we were home from the hospital, i doubted myself and our new life b/c i felt that the boys would not have my or HunHun's full attention b/c we'd have to attend to both of them. i wondered if they'd feel that i was torn between them. it had me very sad and down thinking that b/c i chose to transfer 2 embies that stuck, i put this "burden" on them of having to share their parents, when they are so small and need us 100% right now. - - BUT!!! i got it yesterday. i understood and saw that it's NOT like that. it's just a different kind of child-rearing i'm going to have to do. i was use to seeing a singleton being raised so that's what i was comparing it too. well, it's a bit different w/ multiples. we do have to share ourselves between them, but we can still give them 100%. it doesn't have to be 50/50 for each.

this morning, it occured to me, that i really did want to post about this. even though i had given it time to think about it and how i was going to write about it, i realized that i wanted to be honest to the moment. it was a great moment for me and i didn't want to water-it-down. THIS in turn, made me see that there is only so much i can do to keep this blog IF related. the girls that posted on "mel's barren advice" were right. i should be honest to myself and my blog.

i just may be converting to a mommyblogger. with a little twist...

my a-ha! moment made me see i don't want to miss or not share the little and big things i will be experiencing as a new and first time mom, as well the little things that the boys will be going through. it's my life now. i live, think and breathe them at every second. I'M DRUNK W/ LOVE FOR THEM! cheesy, i know, but that's how i feel. it's all-consuming.

now... as i make this 'transition' i will have to keep the IF parts around and i know i'll be making reference to it along the way, quite a bit. it's completely shaped how i am w/ my little sea monkeys and how i'll mother. everything i went through during TTC has shaped how i am now as a person and mother and i'll make note of it when i see it happen.

so, that's it. it came to me via the source i wasn't looking at for an answer. my kiddies. it was as if they were swinging their arms above their heads, jumping up and down saying " hello!!!! nerd!! remember us? write about the outcome and how life is after you thought you'd 'never be on this side'."

and so, i will write about that.

transition - to be continued

noreply@blogger.com (..soo.see..) — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 01:59:00 +0000

first, i want to give a huge thank you to those of you that left me a comment and support on my last post and on mel's barren advice on tuesday. it means a lot to me that what i'm (and the blog) are going through is not only in my head or "just me". it helps me to know that i'm not alone nor the first to go through this, and that i won't be alone as i go through it. i know i'm going to be transitioning this blog soon, and i'm still trying to find a way and THE way to do it. in the meantime, i may be writing and posting abt whatever comes about. maybe it'll be a bit slower until i find my footing though..

well, let me share what happened to me a couple of days ago. i went to the bookstore and went to the 'childcare and families' section (or whatever it's called). i've been to this section quite a couple of times b/c that's where the TTC stuff is too, except this time, i was looking for another book. and really, when other chicks are there, i feel as though "they" aren't there looking for IF or TTC things - but maybe that's the self-conscienceness of this whole thing. anyway, i walked up to the bookshelf, alone. there was another chick there holding a baby. as soon as i turned the corner, i caught her attention and she looked over at me. but she didn't only take a quick glance and keep scanning the shelf for what she was looking for.. she looked at me in the face, looked down to my belly and i automatically saw a question on her face (it was her eyebrows that gave her away). i still have a bit of a bump 'leftover' and MAYBE that's what caught her attention, but i felt for a second the way i did before i was pg and i got "that look". i felt judged or as if "only a baby bump" or a child in my arms would validate my being in that section. i know it may be that she wasn't thinking this, but for a second, i felt like i did when i was still TTC, which to me wasn't THAT long ago.

maybe i'm self-conscience, maybe i'm just super alert to IF, or maybe i am having a harder time 'transitioning' from being a "childless infertile" to a mom.

Mel's Barren Advice for me

noreply@blogger.com (..soo.see..) — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 00:30:00 +0000

Last week i wrote and email to mel from stirrup queens & sperm palace jesters, and asked her regarding the future of this blog. i know some of you noticed that i stopped posting as much when i got pg. and i did a couple "i wanted to document my pregnancy but.." posts b/c i didn't know how to post abt the scary and happy parts of the pg w/o maybe offending someone. that's always been a trait of mine.. empathy. and that came in to full force when i saw myself pregnant after my 1st IVF, yet had so many IF buddies still TTC after so long and so many attempts.

so i asked mel how she did it and how i could maybe make the transition. i had made the change of the blog name and description, but it didn't seem like enough. well, she replied and here is what she said...

http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2009/03/bonus-barren-advice-thirty-two.html

if there is anyone else out there w/ advice or feedback, you're more than welcome to let me know!!