Mommy Dearest

And it's not about me!

So some of you have wondered how things are going w/ MIL and well here's a quick post of what I've been dealing with. Of course, the twinkies are alive and kicking!! Yay - she hasn't done anything TOO horrible! Lol..

Well the latest thing that I've had to deal with is coming home and after about 2.5 hours of playing and then feeding the boys I walk in to my room only to hear simultaneously from HunHun that MIL has changed the sheets.. ::vinyl record screeches to a stop:: as I walk in and see our bed made and with sheets that are.not.ours!!

WTF does that?! I spoke to this woman twice before coming home and she never mentioned any of this! I KNOW I sound ungrateful or whatever, but seriously, how the F did she not even think to ask if we had washed the sheets the day before?! What if she would've changed clean sheets?? UGH! I was so upset for the rest of the night and a couple of days after that.

I think what got me the most was that they weren't MY sheets! Which just means to me that it was intentional and planned! She HAD to have come with them in her bag! Must have!

I saw her in the morning before leaving to work and spoke to her at from work when I was on lunch and she didn't once mention it to me that she was even thinking of doing this.

She must've known that it irked me b/c she never.even.asked. me what I thought or anything. And she ALWAYS asks about everything..

Anyway aside from that, she also told me one day (after finding out the boys weighed in about 18 to 19 lbs at a random 5 month dr appt) that she's surprised b/c we have them "so restricted with their diet". I couldn't stay quiet or just nod her off, I turned around and told her that they are given and eat what is appropriate for their age. period.

We're 4 months in to MIL daycare. And the adventures continue.

On a beautiful note: The twinkies are jumping in their jumparoo and love it, they're eating reall well and Emzo reached out to HunHun yesterday and pulled me by the jaw to give me "kisses". Oh! and today everytime Tuxedo (1 of the dogs) would pass by he'd reach for him and start to laugh. I can't believe their getting so big! They'll be 6 months old next week!

This is why I've been away

I've had a breakdown.

I don't think I'm fully out of it yet. And the key word is yet. But I do plan to and am trying to get things back "on track" and back to how I use to feel and be, but it's not as easy as I'd imagined it could be.

I don't want to air out my dirty laundry. After all, it'll just sit here on the interwebs for anyone to read about for as long as I don't delete my blog. But I can go into detail about how I felt, reacted, and how I'm trying to get out of this dark little cave I'm in.

I had 2 weeks, if not more, of physically not being able to pick myself up from the floor. One day I fell. Hard. Fast. I couldn't help it - even though I shouldn't even have gone there - and I lost my footing, couldn't balance myself enough and I landed SPLAT, BLING BLANG on the floor, face first. And I just stayed there crying, hyperventilating w/ my face down in the dirt wishing I wasn't there or that I would've coincidentally landed in some quicksand and would start to be pulled under.

But since that's not what REALLY happened, I HAD to get up and go on about life. Take care of the Twinkies and go to work and not stop going. I couldn't afford to. My bills would get worse, and my kids would obviously starve and be dirty little boys. I kept going b/c I knew in order to be "really" depressed or crazy is if your "condition" interferes w/ "normal daily activities" and I didn't want to fall into that category. Even though secretly inside I wanted to just BE that "category" and soak it all in and just let EVERYONE know, "hey!!! HEY!!! Guess motherfucking what?! I am depressed and feel crazy and am having a nervous breakdown! Do you get it now??"

But alas, I'm not that bold or "crazy" to do that. So it results in a bitchy, aggravated, anxy, sad, frustrated, angry little girl that keeps moving along, while trying to "deal with it". *shrugs* And that's where the "yet" comes in. I'm trying, I really am.

This weekend I had a breakthrough. I came out of the cave and saw the sunshine, yet I find there are moments where I'm concentrating on the clouds I see at a distance and can't figure it out if they're passing me or coming toward me. I'm fixated and I haven't fully moved on. To have rainbows, you've gotta have rain right? Well I had an effin deluge pass by and even though the sun is shining, those cloud remnants are lingering and playing w/ my head. I'm waiting on the rainbow - or is it around here somewhere, but my fixation on the clouds won't allow me to see it?

My HunHun has been going through it w/ me, even though he A) doesn't have a clue of how I really feel b/c he just can't understand it I think and B) can't find a way to get me better 100%.

If you're reading or if you've even managed to get this far in this ramble, know that I AM ok. I know that's the easy answer to give, but really I am. This weekend helped me millions and tons and I'm finding my way back to how I use to be.

And even though I know he doesn't read, I do want to thank you, my HunHun for being there for me when I went my craziest and for holding my hand through this even though you didn't (don't) fully get it. You are my sunshine...

...................

So I know I've said this like a bajillion times before, but I'm back for updates and blogging! I need an outlet and I'm missing out on documenting too much of what the boys are doing! My stupid Iphone doesn't let me post from there and it's even stupider for not having MMS yet! But I will find a way to get it done. I promise.

My apologies for the F-bombs. I think it's part of the new me. The one that should speak up and say exactly how I'm feeling so I don't implode, again.