This is why I've been away

I've had a breakdown.

I don't think I'm fully out of it yet. And the key word is yet. But I do plan to and am trying to get things back "on track" and back to how I use to feel and be, but it's not as easy as I'd imagined it could be.

I don't want to air out my dirty laundry. After all, it'll just sit here on the interwebs for anyone to read about for as long as I don't delete my blog. But I can go into detail about how I felt, reacted, and how I'm trying to get out of this dark little cave I'm in.

I had 2 weeks, if not more, of physically not being able to pick myself up from the floor. One day I fell. Hard. Fast. I couldn't help it - even though I shouldn't even have gone there - and I lost my footing, couldn't balance myself enough and I landed SPLAT, BLING BLANG on the floor, face first. And I just stayed there crying, hyperventilating w/ my face down in the dirt wishing I wasn't there or that I would've coincidentally landed in some quicksand and would start to be pulled under.

But since that's not what REALLY happened, I HAD to get up and go on about life. Take care of the Twinkies and go to work and not stop going. I couldn't afford to. My bills would get worse, and my kids would obviously starve and be dirty little boys. I kept going b/c I knew in order to be "really" depressed or crazy is if your "condition" interferes w/ "normal daily activities" and I didn't want to fall into that category. Even though secretly inside I wanted to just BE that "category" and soak it all in and just let EVERYONE know, "hey!!! HEY!!! Guess motherfucking what?! I am depressed and feel crazy and am having a nervous breakdown! Do you get it now??"

But alas, I'm not that bold or "crazy" to do that. So it results in a bitchy, aggravated, anxy, sad, frustrated, angry little girl that keeps moving along, while trying to "deal with it". *shrugs* And that's where the "yet" comes in. I'm trying, I really am.

This weekend I had a breakthrough. I came out of the cave and saw the sunshine, yet I find there are moments where I'm concentrating on the clouds I see at a distance and can't figure it out if they're passing me or coming toward me. I'm fixated and I haven't fully moved on. To have rainbows, you've gotta have rain right? Well I had an effin deluge pass by and even though the sun is shining, those cloud remnants are lingering and playing w/ my head. I'm waiting on the rainbow - or is it around here somewhere, but my fixation on the clouds won't allow me to see it?

My HunHun has been going through it w/ me, even though he A) doesn't have a clue of how I really feel b/c he just can't understand it I think and B) can't find a way to get me better 100%.

If you're reading or if you've even managed to get this far in this ramble, know that I AM ok. I know that's the easy answer to give, but really I am. This weekend helped me millions and tons and I'm finding my way back to how I use to be.

And even though I know he doesn't read, I do want to thank you, my HunHun for being there for me when I went my craziest and for holding my hand through this even though you didn't (don't) fully get it. You are my sunshine...

...................

So I know I've said this like a bajillion times before, but I'm back for updates and blogging! I need an outlet and I'm missing out on documenting too much of what the boys are doing! My stupid Iphone doesn't let me post from there and it's even stupider for not having MMS yet! But I will find a way to get it done. I promise.

My apologies for the F-bombs. I think it's part of the new me. The one that should speak up and say exactly how I'm feeling so I don't implode, again.