my lightbulb moment

[[children mentioned]]

so i put a disclaimer up above and while it may be the first and last time i do it, i decided to put it for those that don't want to read about this. however, now i that i think about, i'm going to have to double post an abridged version b/c what i have to say matters to this blog's future, so if someone doesn't read this post then, it'll still affect the reading of future posts.. first time i put it b/c of the "transition" i'm trying to make to this blog - and the last time b/c i think i've come to a decision of how i'm going to continue. but before i get to that.....

i had an a-ha! moment yesterday. i wanted to automatically come here and post about it, but didn't b/c i wasn't sure how to go about it since i was still trying to decide if i would keep this blog for IF w/ limited kiddie talk or if i'd be changing it up to be a mommyblogger. and here's how it went down and how that one moment helped me make my decision...

i was feeding one sea monkey when his brother woke up and was ready to eat. i had his bottle ready b/c i knew he might wake up, just as he did. so i got up from the couch, sat on the ottoman - yOyo in my left arm w/ the same hand holding his bottle & hOops in the bouncer while i held his bottle w/ my right hand. i was trying to listen to "the secret life of bees" that was playing behind me now, b/c when i positioned myself i ended up w/ my back to the tv - but wasn't really paying much attention as i was watching the boys. i had started to think how great it was, that i was taking care of both of them, and the 3 of us were ok. when suddendly, hOops made a sound and then yOyo made the same one! hOops did another and yOyo answered by echoing him. i was amazed and smiled at the fact that these little boys are growing and that they have a bond already.

that's when it hit me.

i CAN do this. i CAN take care of multiples, alone. i CAN watch over them and they'll both be ok - and so will i, for that matter. i AM a mom. i AM their mom. and even though it seems hard at times and i cry right along w/ them as i try to soothe them, i know that we'll get through this and we'll all be happy making it though.

it's taken me over a month to FULLY accept and understand and KNOW that i can take care and mother the twins. once we were home from the hospital, i doubted myself and our new life b/c i felt that the boys would not have my or HunHun's full attention b/c we'd have to attend to both of them. i wondered if they'd feel that i was torn between them. it had me very sad and down thinking that b/c i chose to transfer 2 embies that stuck, i put this "burden" on them of having to share their parents, when they are so small and need us 100% right now. - - BUT!!! i got it yesterday. i understood and saw that it's NOT like that. it's just a different kind of child-rearing i'm going to have to do. i was use to seeing a singleton being raised so that's what i was comparing it too. well, it's a bit different w/ multiples. we do have to share ourselves between them, but we can still give them 100%. it doesn't have to be 50/50 for each.

this morning, it occured to me, that i really did want to post about this. even though i had given it time to think about it and how i was going to write about it, i realized that i wanted to be honest to the moment. it was a great moment for me and i didn't want to water-it-down. THIS in turn, made me see that there is only so much i can do to keep this blog IF related. the girls that posted on "mel's barren advice" were right. i should be honest to myself and my blog.

i just may be converting to a mommyblogger. with a little twist...

my a-ha! moment made me see i don't want to miss or not share the little and big things i will be experiencing as a new and first time mom, as well the little things that the boys will be going through. it's my life now. i live, think and breathe them at every second. I'M DRUNK W/ LOVE FOR THEM! cheesy, i know, but that's how i feel. it's all-consuming.

now... as i make this 'transition' i will have to keep the IF parts around and i know i'll be making reference to it along the way, quite a bit. it's completely shaped how i am w/ my little sea monkeys and how i'll mother. everything i went through during TTC has shaped how i am now as a person and mother and i'll make note of it when i see it happen.

so, that's it. it came to me via the source i wasn't looking at for an answer. my kiddies. it was as if they were swinging their arms above their heads, jumping up and down saying " hello!!!! nerd!! remember us? write about the outcome and how life is after you thought you'd 'never be on this side'."

and so, i will write about that.